23November
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. Læs resten »
13November
1. It is always possible to find a parking spot directly outside or opposite the building you are visiting.
2. When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
3. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment it’s aired.
4. Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
5. Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paperclip in seconds. UNLESS it’s the door to a burning building with a child inside. Læs resten »
10August
1. The Universe collapsed due to the Y2B year problem. Contact your local Universe dealer.
2. A wormhole caused a reality vacuum in an unknown galaxy with address 177.232.555.121.424.555. We are still researching the effects of an error like this.
3. Universe violation! Unable to install new universe. You need to uninstall existing universe before installing a new or at least create a new dimension – there can only be one Big Bang in this dimension.
4. The file A4G6TT_7.cmt collided with Earth.plt. The Universe detected life on that planet. Data lost. Please reinstall life or delete planet.
5. The Universe detected that you are trying to install the same planet in two different orbits or at two different places. Things can only exist in one place at the time in this dimension. Please use the function “One dimension up†and retry.
6. The Universe is temporally unavailable as it is currently being crushed into a singularity. This will happen approx. every 20 billionth year. Please make a note of it.
7. Warning! T=0: Time equals zero! You cannot set a time zone before you execute bigbang.exe.
8. Sorry. 10 in -43 of a second is the smallest amount of time supported by the Universe at this point. Please choose a less accurate time for your calendar appointment.
9. Warning! To reach critical destiny you have to increase gravity or the Universe will be torn apart. Data may be lost.
10. Do you want to save Earth.plt before you exit?
I got this idea back in 2000 and wrote it down. I just found the document yesterday. Hope you enjoyed it.
27May
There where a few good things about the hostel Richmond Lodge located in Ponsonby, Auckland and a lot of bad things. If you are a backpacker or thinking about visiting the lodge, you should probably read this. If not, just read it for entertainment purposes. Læs resten »
21February
We are going to take this in English for obvious reasons. In 7 points I’ll try to explain what we learned when we bought a used car in NZ. Here we go… Læs resten »
31October
Jeg skrev engang dette til en vens fødselsdag. Jeg fandt det netop igen og opdagede at det egentlig er ret underholdende – måske synes du det samme – med lidt held…
So… you have one year less to live. Congratulations! Let this party remind you that you’re going to grow old and die. Let me tell you what will happen until the big day comes.
You’ll be gaining more and more weight while you’re loosing more and more hair. Your intelligence will start to go listless and so will your dick while you’re your asshole will be the secret burial ground of the hemorrhoids.
But yes by all means let’s celebrate! But why not take a shortcut to all the delights of getting old? Why wait?
Start boxing! That should take care of your intelligence pretty fast. Get an eating disorder! That will stop you from gaining weight. Ask your girlfriend to gain 120 pounds! That should take care of your dick, oh… and crush a light bulb with your sphincter – that should get you hemorrhoids pretty quick. It’s the oldest trick in the book from porn stars that wants to shirk work.
Now all we need is a song and then this could’ve been a Star Wars holyday special!
Han blev ikke engang sur. Tværtimod faktisk. Det er utroligt hvad man kan slippe afsted med.
24July
Hey – what the hell? This used to be a Danish blog! Don’t worry it still is. I’m just testing an idea about writing certain entries in English to make them accessible to a larger crowd plus my English sucks – and this may be my chance to improve it.
About Batman… No spoilers here as usual. Læs resten »